BLACK HOLE FOUND IN ALLEYWAY!
By Futurius 31/07/2012 a.d.

Scientists have found a black hole inside an alleyway in Central London this week. The hole, a ripple in the time/space continuum, is said to be an interdimensional doorway to, of all places, ancient France. Experts say they are working on ways to cut away a small portion of the holes' energy for studying, with the hopes it could one day lead to an amazing new form of transportation.

CATS HYPNOTISE WORLD LEADERS!
By TimeBot Sev 01/05/2037 a.d.

Government officials have warned citizens of New Jersey, USA of a suspected strike on the general population... from deranged pussycats, hellbent of overthrowing the US.

The kitty commandoes seem to have sprung up overnight, though government spokesmen say they believe the invasion has been long-planned. The cats are said to be planning a global hostile takeover of the minds of all the major world leaders.

Citizens are warned against looking into the eyes of the feline warriors, as they use their hypnotic pussy-stare to will soft-minded individuals into doing their bidding. Victims are said to experience an overwhelming desire to pet these creatures at first but once fully in the grip of the beings become overtaken by an intense hatred of everything human, even themselves!

Scientists are developing a revolutionary new form of catnip, intended to induce psychedelic hallucinogens into the furry fiends, causing them to let go of their control over their victims in the belief they have already acheived their mission. Experts say it can only be a case of using the hyper-nip and waiting for the results.

"All we can do now is pray for the human race," an official spokesperson said.

CORPSE ESCAPES CEMETARY!
By Vaston Gazillar 01/11/2004 a.d.

A shocked family were alarmed yesterday to discover that their beloved deceased relative had disappeared from his grave of five years! Upon visiting kilmarnock cemetary in Glasgow, Scotland, the Mcgregor family found the grave of Patrick Mcgregor open and filled with nothing but leaves. The local police are baffled as all signs indicate the grave was opened hours before... from the inside!!

"He was always restless," said Mrs. Mcgregor, the deceased's widow. "Never liked lying around, doing nothing all day..."

The police have issued a description of Mr. Mcgregor as he looked in life. "We don't think we'll have much luck finding him, to be honest," said detective inspector Thomas Lowe of Glasgow city police. "It seems like he's very determined not to be here."

D.I Lowe believes the dead man may be in disguise. The puplic have been notified to be on the lookout for any corpses walking the streets in a beard and dark glasses.

OTHER NEWS:

Reported by Futurius 2203 a.d. - NEW FORM OF ALIENS FOUND! MINUS TERRESTRIALS ARE HERE!
Two dimensional beings have been found beneath the atlantic ocean. Dubbed 'Minus Terrestrials' by scientists, they are said to have been hidden since before the birth of the dinosaurs. More details and a holographic reproduction can be found at the Interactive Science Library in London, United Kingdom.

Reported by Futurius 2019 a.d. - GIRL ADDICTED TO MUSIC DIES FROM OVERDOSE!
Death by boybands! See national news for details.

Reported by Futurius 2096 a.d. - CARS DISCOVERED TO HOUSE SPIRITS OF THE DAMNED AS PUNISHMENT.
Top scientists find evidence that automobiles are the true Hell. Could this truly be the place we go to when we die if we've been naughty...?

Reported by TimeBot Sev 2599 a.d. - SANTA CLAUS THE 6,741st FORMS 'NICE FOUNDATION'.
Santa Frederic Claus, descendant of the original Santa Claus, yesterday announced the new charity, THE NICE FOUNDATION, set up to raise funds and attention for poor nice children everywhere. For details about donations, check your local Claus family drop-in centre.

Reported by Futurius 2109 a.d. - TREES DISCOVERED TO BE SQUIRREL CHURCHES!
Tune into channel 8 million and twelve at 9 tonight for details...

Reported by Futurius 2317 a.d. - NOSE HAIRS ARE ACTUALLY ALIEN SYMBIOTES TRYING TO TAKE CONTROL OF US THROUGH OUR BRAINS!

Reported by Sazmosis 2945 a.d. - MAN DISCOVERS GOD! NOW EVERYONE CAN SEE HIM.
Rumour has it that God isn't too happy about the new media intrusion into his life. Tune in to Super-Channel 17 News for details!

Reported by Sazmosis 2003 a.d. - MAN ASSAULTS TV WEATHERMAN.
"His head was on backwards, and his arms were wrong", He explained. The man is currently recieving psychiatric help in a New York hospital.

Reported by Sazmosis -4555 b.l.d.w.f.e.e.s.s.d. - WEEKS OF TORRENTIAL TROUTS EXPECTED TO HIT BRITAIN, SCIENTISTS WARN.
Officials warn the general public: "Your only line of defence is the holographic dung beetle!"

Reported by Daniel Lundie 2007 a.d.- MAN GETS VIRUS FROM COMPUTER!
Doctors in Boulogne, France have reported a case of a man recieving a virus... from his computer! Dubbed the "electrono-virus", scientists have discovered proof that a computer virus the man's PC recieved via an e-mail somehow developed into an actual, physical viral strain of the common flu and managed to seep through the monitor screen and attack the man's immune system. The man is being tested in an unnamed hospital in France. His name is being withheld by the government for the time being.